15 1/2 minutes

I spent 15.5 minutes of my cool & breezy Saturday lying on the ground at Public Square. 11 minutes symbolizing the number of times Eric Garner stated “I can’t breathe” and 4.5 minutes symbolizing the hours Mike Brown’s lifeless body remained on the street.  I spent most of the time in prayer. I prayed for the families of victims of police brutality. I prayed for understanding and empathy for myself and my peers. While I agree people should’ve made better choices to avoid adverse situations with the police, I believe there is a disparate impact on minorities as whole when it comes to interactions with law enforcement and legal processes.

I don’t know how to change it, but I felt being part of a peaceful protest was a step in the right direction. If for nothing else, we visually express our feelings of discontent.

Thanks for listening.

#HoodiesUp

Wow!  That was the only word that came to mind when I initially heard the Trayvon Martin story.   28 year old , George Zimmerman, shot and killed  an unarmed 17 y/o boy, Trayvon Martin. Here is the kicker: no arrest has been made in connection with Martin’s death…….

So, someone is dead….we know who shot him…..but no one has been arrested….?? I am no expert, but I have watched enough episodes of the First 48 to know Zimmerman shouldn’t be walking free right now. I am literally laughing to myself as I type this because this sounds unreal to me.

911 Calls

K. I listened to the 911 calls from the neighbors and Zimmerman’s 911 call. I got acquainted with Mr. Zimmerman’s voice before I heard the death cries in the background from the neighbor’s call. In my opinion the voice crying for help was probably the most heartbreaking thing I’ve heard in a long time…….. I do not know who was yelling for help in background of the 911 call but I know it did not sound like a  grown a$$ man CRYING OUT for help….. so on to the next lie!

the confrontation

There are conflicting stories as to the altercation that happened in the common area between the buildings the night Trayvon was killed. Was Trayvon on top of Zimmerman? Did Zimmerman push Trayvon? I don’t think any of that is relevant…

The bottom line is this: George Zimmerman, the overzealous watchman, should not have pursued Trayvon Martin period. WATCHmen are to observe, u know–watch!? The moment Mr. Zimmerman took it upon himself to follow Trayvon he became the aggressor. I believe he was no longer acting in self-defense…… How can a killer be backed by a loosely interpreted Stand Your Ground Law??

Since when do police take a such a strong stance on refusing to enforce a punishment, KNOWING a crime was committed? All criminals are presumed innocent until proven guilty…right? Without hesitation, an arrest should have been made and it’s the job of the attorneys, jury, & judge  to sort it out at trial…..u know–the whole point of the “justice system”.

 Fear

George Zimmerman “feared” his life so his killing of Trayvon Martin was justified……. *chuckles* Mr. Zimmerman fearing his life, is currently in hiding…. I wonder if he is experiencing the same degree of “fear” for his life he felt the night he killed Trayvon? Is he fearing his life the same way Trayvon Martin felt the moment before his life was taken?

If Zimmerman and I were to cross paths in my neighborhood and I was wearing a hooded sweatshirt containing skittles and a tea….

the Movement

on a positive note…. the media’s attention to this story provided an opportunity for  people to come together and be the voice for Trayvon Martin….  So let’s usethis opportunity to rise as one #HoodiesUp

New Endings

 

It’s been a minute or two since my last blog. Sorry about that….I wasn’t inspired to write anything…forgive me?? GOOD. Now back to business…

 I recently came to the realization that I let a lot of things hold me back. My doubts and insecurities are self-inflicted and it has hindered opportunities in my life. I am not sure where the self doubt and insecurity comes from but I cannot let it effect me anymore. Now is as good of time as any to evaluate my goals and point myself in the right direction. The questions is-How??

I don’t know how to make the negative thoughts stop or truly believe in myself yet but I will get there. I’ve taken steps to change the things I can control and it is empowering. If I continue to chip away at the things I am insecure about then I will eventually overcome it. My insecurites will eventually become securities. My securities will give me confidence. Confidence will lead me to believe that I can do anything. Sounds pretty good doesn’t it? If only I could convince myself…

I call him Fah-Jah

To most of you this is just another Friday, but it is more than that to me because it is October 14. The most important man in my life was born on this day.  God blessed my family with a person who I believe, changed our lives for the better.

Someone once asked me if they could refer to Mr. Clausi as my dad, because ‘technically’ he was my step-dad. I replied, yes. Honestly,I was not satisfied with the answer, but I didn’t give her the liberty of  an explanation. Actually, the individual she was referring to was not my ‘step-dad’. He is the father that adopted me and gave me his last name. Although, Mr. Clausi did not contribute to my physical DNA; he has helped mold the fibers of my being. I felt as if I did him a disservice by allowing someone to refer to him as anything less than a father to me.

You see, I have a sperm donor and a father. One I barely know, and the other is a best friend. One who abandoned his seed, and one who watered the seed and nurtured it. Being a father takes courage, and I thank God for blessing me with two parents. I cant imagine what my life would be like if he didn’t marry my mother 16 years ago. Boy would I be a mess?! Ha! I probably wouldnt be writing this blog. So, on this special day, I am wishing my father- the man I call Fah-Jah,  Happy Birthday!

Face Value

I am used to getting the awkward stares and double takes as I look for a parking spot with my windows down and Taylor Swift blaring through the speakers. It’s funny to witness the shock on one’s face when they realize my dad is white. The unforgettable look on a man’s face when I did not agree with his unsolicited invite to his conversation about soul food as I am not an expert. Contrary to his belief, eating and cooking soul food is not a skill set I picked up out of the womb. Years ago, I met this librarian during my first day of college and she was not friendly while she was setting me up with my library card. As we were waiting for the computer to finalize everything she asked me where I was from. I told her and her demeanor completely changed as she seemed honored to have met someone from “one of the richest counties in the Nation”. I had no clue, but apparently she had done her research on the matter.

The events I just shared are moderate occurrences in my life, but they prompted me to write a poem and I would like to share a snippet with you…..

My black, is unique

My black, is not a stereotype

My black, is not what you want it to be

My black, is deeper than what the eyes can see

My black, does not define me

My black, is in His image

My black,  is me-and I can only be T

The poem is a work in progress but you catch my drift. I know I’m sort of pointing the finger but those instances were also learning points in my life. I know I’ve judged a book by it’s cover a time or two. Now, I read a couple pages then make a judgment. lol

‘Never put your all into someone; because once they are gone, u will have nothing’

I feel like I only show the world a portion of me. I feel like I do this for three reasons.

1-Defense Mechanism and Insecurity. I’ve learned to keep people at a distance. My biggest fear is being vulnerable to anyone. I can’t trust anyone with my emotions.

2-For other’s sake. If I know you well enough I will speak my mind for the most part ; but for the general population I keep my thoughts to myself because I know I will be too harsh or you will get the “watered down” version of what I really think.

3- I don’t know how!– When I was younger I could really put my all into relationships whether it be with friends, families, or lovers. When I was all-in it made me very sensitive to anything they had to say, thought, or acted towards me. After  repeatedly getting my feelings hurt I learned to put a wall up. Each time a friendship or romantic relationship went bad that wall got stronger. Now I am to a point where it takes a lot for me to even feel. How crazy is that?

I decided to start this blog to start tearing down some of those walls and take you on my journey. I want to let you into a side of me that is usually only expressed in personal journals or self meditation.  Don’t worry, it’s not going to be all deep n sh!t all the time……. that’s just not me. And at the end of the day, I can only be T 😉